Twilight and YA in General

I want to find the spooge-guzzling cunt that wrote this drivel and use a red-hot machete to slice her a new buttcrack.

If you want a brief synopsis of the plot, here it goes. But be warend, it will turn your stomach.

From the School Library Journal:

Headstrong, sun-loving, 17-year-old Bella declines her mom's invitation to move to Florida, and instead reluctantly opts to move to her dad's cabin in the dreary, rainy town of Forks, WA. She becomes intrigued with Edward Cullen, a distant, stylish, and disarmingly handsome senior, who is also a vampire. When he reveals that his specific clan hunts wildlife instead of humans, Bella deduces that she is safe from his blood-sucking instincts and therefore free to fall hopelessly in love with him. The feeling is mutual, and the resulting volatile romance smolders as they attempt to hide Edward's identity from her family and the rest of the school. Meyer adds an eerie new twist to the mismatched, star-crossed lovers theme: predator falls for prey, human falls for vampire. This tension strips away any pretense readers may have about the everyday teen romance novel, and kissing, touching, and talking take on an entirely new meaning when one small mistake could be life-threatening. Bella and Edward's struggle to make their relationship work becomes a struggle for survival, especially when vampires from an outside clan infiltrate the Cullen territory and head straight for her. As a result, the novel's danger-factor skyrockets as the excitement of secret love and hushed affection morphs into a terrifying race to stay alive. Realistic, subtle, succinct, and easy to follow, Twilight will have readers dying to sink their teeth into it.

Realism, subtleness, succintness? Is that the sound I hear coming from that book? Really? Because I could have sworn that was the sound of this plot being done a million times before by lonely-ass acne-scarred 12-year-old girls across the entire fucking Western hemisphere.

But for those 12-year-olds, it's fine for them to do that. They don't know any better, and they're using their stories to release the tensions of Bobby Jones not thinking that they're cute.

But, seriously. Look at this:


That is the face and atrocious haircut of a full-grown adult woman. With a suburban name like "Stephanie Meyer", she almost certainly went to college. She's also seen at least 30 years or so of life. And during those thirty years, she probably experienced some shit. Normal thirty-year-olds have experienced pain, passion, love, hatred, fear, etc. They know the ropes of life. Someone they know has probably died. They've probably witnessed betrayal and other shit like that.

So how on Earth does a thirty-year-old come up with this? How could a nineteen-year-old come up with this? Reading this shit, one might have thought that Meyer spent her entire life in one room, not knowing anyone, warching teen dramas on the WB.

I seriously think that you'd have to be lobotomized to write this shit. There's no possible way that any actual person over the age of fifteen would be able to do this without clawing their eyes out, with the possible exception of Paris Hilton.

So we have the main character, Isabella "This-is-Hella". HURHURI'MSOWITTY. Anyway, she's the very typical YA heroine: Better Than You (TM). She's prettier than you and supposedly smarter than you and more guys like her than you. Asd a matter of fact, her life is way more perfect than yours could ever aspire to be. And yet you're supposed to empathize with her anyway because she bitches all the time about the Token Flaw In Her Life. In this case, it's divorce and moving to a new town. OMGWTFNOBODY'SEVERWRITTENYAABOUTTHATLOLOLOLOLOLZ. And then, of course, the Totally Hot Enigmatic Mysterious Guy With A Secret (TM) falls for her. She finds out the secret, but she loves him anyway and they continue with their Forbiddon Lurve (TM).

Now, some of you may be saying that this all sounds like sour grapes, but I'm going to get to the point of this rant.

Twilight is not the only abortion of a marginally-tolerable book out there, but it's a very good example and I've been hearing far too much hype about it.

It didn't have to be like this. Just because the target audience is in middle school doesn't mean that the books have to have the intellectual level of a rotten banana.

There was one YA book that I liked. It was called Rx. It had a moral. It had personal growth. All the good stuff that makes a book worth reading. And yet it was still YA. See, the thing of it is, just because a book is meant for children doesn't mean that the characters aren't allowed to have personalities. And that there can't be internal conflict or a moral.

This is what happens. These ass pirates at publishing companies accept about 5,000 pieces of garbage for every YA book of reasonable quality. Then they hype crap like Twilight and Eragon so that at small bookstores those are the only things available.

And then when some 7th grader walks in to a Barnes and Noble, she will head to the YA section because she's meant to. She will see shelf after shelf stacked with nothing but crappy books. She wants a book so she will buy one. And then, after buying some crap like Gossip Girl, she'll be told by all the reviews and her friends and teen magazines and shit that this is the kind of thing that she should be reading. She will think that reading story after story about beautiful, interchangeable rich kids from Manhattan being degenerates is something she should be doing.

This shit is supposed to be "cool". This stuff is being pushed onto people until they grow older, at which point they read everything described as "catty" and given four stars by Us Magazine, the great connoisseurs of fine literature, and those seventh graders grow up to become this. They'll read the same YA with more sex in it, and they'll watch plastic surgery shows. And then the pretentious pricks ask what the hell happened to society to make women do that.

It's requiring all the self control I have not to go to the nearest bookstore and open fire on the YA section.