Chick Tract Dissection

This one is about "OMG JESUS MUST BE IN PUBLIC SCHOOLS!"



What the hell is that? It's taken them that long to cope with homework? Usually kids only do stuff like that if the teacher's done something particularly bitchy recently. And WTF is with them slashing the tires in front of the teacher? Is anybody that stupid?

And what the hell, a "War Zone" school has a WASPtacular name like "Westmont"? Since when are there ghetto high schools in fucking Connecticut?

My experience is that the worst schools are named after Presidents or other somewhat famous people. E. G. Galileo, Hoover, Lincoln, Washington

NOT Westmont.



They think they'd win a battle against their teacher? They think they'd be trusted over someone with a college education? They, who are known as delinquents? Even if their teacher had a record as a liar and they were top students, she's be trusted over them. Excuse me while I laugh hysterically.

"Hi, I'm scared of this school and everything in it, so I'm just going to walk up to some disdainful-looking stranger and hope she doesn't bash my head in with her Calculus book." Wow.

Also, note the smorgasboard of sinners. We have someone in an ambulance, a public display of affection, a girl being stangled, some kid smoking a joint, some kind of sale going on, and a gang rag on that one kid's head.



"There are a lot of scary kids here in Westmont, Connecticut. Why, we have a few toughs here who are working class! And some Catholics! And a few honor students who trade perscription drugs! It's a jungle"

Moose? Moose? What the hell kind of nickname is that? Yeah, I'm pissing myself because of some kid named Moose. There are kids at parochial schools with scarier nicknames than that.

Also, Moose calls his subordinates "snakes"? How does that make any sense? Shouldn't he be calling them "reindeer" or something?

And in the second panel, it looks like Chick is aiming for more sinner smorgasboards, but instead it looks like two kids having an interpretive dance competition on their cafeteria tables.



Man, I can only imagine how many times Mr. Chick must have been beaten up in his high school days, because this Moose character is absolutely ridiculous.

He takes the Gospel tracts? Just because they belong to somebody else? Bully=/=kleptomaniac. Any real self-respecting bully, upon hearing about gospel tracts, would go "HA! What a fag!" And leave them there.

I really don't like his bully. I must resist the urge to rant about him.



Note the stacks of paperwork on the Principal's desk, indicating that he's SO BURDENED WITH PROBLEMS THAT...Oh, Lordy.

What the hell are the pictures on the wall? We have some sort of gang-member alumnus and a two-headed dog.

That principal is awfully nervous. He looks like he's on crak.



And they respect a guy who's less book smart than they are? Even in drug circles they have a slight respect for the literate (see Freakonomics). Also, I mean, wouldn't the kid who could read be able to claim leadership because he can, you know, read? If any of them couldn't read, it'd probably be the inferiors. See, I love how Chick thinks that just because they're teenaged bullies, the rules of sociology don't really apply.

I love that right panel. So we have some sort of bald alien dude with a floppy nose, then to the left Mr, Crackhead Principal, and then a... what the hell ethnicity is that? Is that like a Hispanic NBA player with a Jewish nose and a hollowed-out 12-inch television for a skull?



What the hell is wrong with Indignant Father's mouth? It looks like he's some sort of fish. And there's a ninja behind Indignant Mother.

No, it is not a "literal war zone". A literal war zone would involve millitary combat. Slamming people against lockers and slashing tires doesn't count as military combat, I'm sorry to say.



Wow. Mr. Jittery Principal certainly smoked a lot of crack before this meeting.

And what the hell is with the parents acting like children? They're adults. Jesus Christ.



It looks like Moose was just stabbed in the heart. What's he doing standing upright?

*GASP* The LORD? WOOOOOOOOW.

Ha, I can just imagine how that prayer went:
"Dear Lord, There's this kid named Moose in my school who beats me up all the time! He took away my tracts! I hate him so much! I really, really hope he stops beating me up! Once, I had to stay home from school for a day because he punched me in the stomach so hard! So, to repeat: please make him stop! Please, Lord! Ohbythewaycanyousavehimtookthx Amen."



Now this is really pissing me off. "FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE, I'M AFRAID!"

Chick knows nothing about bullies. NADA. He is absolutely no better than those stupid tweenage girls who write stories that involve EVIL popular people because she herself was picked on by a popular person, although to nowhere near the same extent.

I know what beiing a bully is like, and let me tell you, it's not being fearless. Being a bully means living in a constant state of fear, rage, and denial. And you most likely bully people because you're so afraid of yourself that you have to take it out on other people. Rage begets fear and vice versa. Didn't it ever occur to Jack Chick that there might be a reason that bullies beat other people up all the time? It's not because they're possessed by Satan. It's because they hate their lives and themselves, they're afraid of what they're turning into, and they don't want to show weakness. So they'd cover it up by inspiring fear in others. Because then it lets them realize that they're not the only ones who are weak. The only way to deal with fear is to turn it into rage or an abhorrance of something. In most bullies' cases, it's weakness. They don't want to be weak. And when they make other people feel weak, they'll feel stronger in comparison. And, deep down inside, they know that they're being weaker than their victims and they know that this means that they won't amount to much, but they still have to cover it up. They hate themselves but they can't stand hating themselves, so they hate other people.

If Moose was afraid of nothing, he wouldn't be a bully. Plain and simple.

If "Loving thine enemy" means "assuming that every sin they commit has no psychological backing other than blatant sadism", then Jesus was really, really bad at picking the right words.



What kind of bully admits their fear to someone who they victimized? Doesn't it occur to him that the victim would really get off on that?

Wow, instaconversion. Because, of course, a Big, Tough Bully (TM) would totally want to follow all someone else's rules.



God loved us so much that he sent a guy to die for our sins?

I love my mom. So should I send a guy who's about to die to her doorstep because I love her so much?

I'm way too lazy to go through this whole "being saved" thing, so let's just say it's the same old bullshit: some gullible sinner gets down on his knees and starts pleasing God (feeling His sweet salvation all over his face).



Wow. So they couldn't have gotten saved when they were reading the tracts to him?



Moose and the Snakes (giggle) were SINGLEHANDEDLY responsible for all the crime? Why didn't they just kick them out?

MORAL OF THE STORY: there needs to be God in public schools. Of course, that doesn't necessarily mean that you'll be saved, but whatever.

BLAH.

There's more, but you can imagine "DRUG USE IS DOWN! GRADES ARE UP!"

Chick=major league asshole.

The Blasphemy Challenge

Some of us have heard about this. There have been many mixed responses to it.

My personal response was something along the lines of, "FUUUUUUCK ME!"

I have seen some bullcrap on the internet before, but this is a valid contender for the most unadulterated bullcrap ever.

What the hell did the people who started this shit expect to accomplish with it? Honestly. It's not going to turn any more people atheist, it's not going to make people any more accepting of atheists, it's not going to do anything except piss people off.

The people who are doing it seem to be under the impression that they're being badass and sticking it to the man. Yeah, that's really badass, using the anonymity of the internet as a tool to help you insult Christians on a level that would make most kindergarteners roll their eyes. And, no, they are not sticking it to anybody. Sticking it to the man would involve doing or saying something that has seldom been said or done before. And it may surprise you, but most Christians are well aware of what their place is on the blogosphere hierarchy. "LOLZ YOU MEEN THAT IF EVERYBODY ON THE GODAM INTERNETZ IS OBNOXIOUS TO XTIANS THAN THEYLL REALIZE THAT WE DONT LIKE THEM? OMGWTF." You are not the first goddamn person to go around assholishly trumpeting your atheism on the internet. No, it is not ballsy to proclaiming it anonymously. Ballsy would be doing it in the middle of an Evangelical congregation in the middle of the Bible Belt. No one can shoot you online.

And another thing. Most people seem to be all "OH, BUT THE CHRISTIANS ARE OPPRESSING US, AND WE'RE JUST RETALIATING!" Yeah, "retaliating". You honestly think it's retaliating to attack them in a place that they'd never in a million years go to, anyway? That's like trying to kill a man in New Jersy by firing a gun in Oregon.

Which brings me to my next point: what the hell is this supposed to even do? Well, I'll tell you what it doesn't do. It doesn't help the atheist cause in any way whatsoever. Let's just say you have some agnostic, or some religious person who's beginning to doubt their upbringing. So they, possibly, want to become atheist. But what do you think the first thing that will come to their mind regarding atheists will be? "A bunch of obnoxious teenagers who were Satanists last year and Wiccans the year before that"? Is that really the idea you want to send to people? And it's not just the people "converting" (if you will). It's also those with religions. You all claim to be doing this because of "persecution of religion (or lack thereof)". And so apparently it's going to help alleviate "religious" persecution by further perpetuating the stereotype that atheists are cocky and obnoxious? Fuck that.

To put it in simple terms, doing this shit is rude. Openly mocking somebody else's beliefs is, in fact, rude. "But" you may be saying "they mock our beliefs all the time, so it's only fair that we should be able to do it to them!" How old are you, four? "He started it, so I only teased him back! Nyeah nyeah nyeah!"

And it's not even that profound. It's not like it's the "Disprove Biblical Inerrancy and the concept of God" challenge. It's not the "Make a speech about the rights of nonbelievers" challenge. It's not the "Use logic to explain to religious people not to force their beliefs on the governement or others" challenge. No. The challenge doesn't ask you to do something beneficial to anyone. All the challenge asks you do to is deny the existence of the Holy Ghost. Good for you. Want a fucking cookie? You're not going to convert anybody.You're not actually disproving anything. You're just saying "this is my belief" without elaborating or supporting it at all. Hey, wait a minute, haven't some other types of people done that? But who, oh, who, could it have been who did that? Why, could it posssibly have been the people you hate?

And some people are saying that "It's not about putting down Christians, it's about standing up for atheists!" Bullshit. If it weren't about Christianity, why would you be doing something that is only forbidden in Christianity? If it's only about atheism, shouldn't you also be trying to slam YHWH or Allah or Ganesh? Wouldn't it just make more sense to slam the idea of God or a higher power in general?

If you're atheist, good for you. You have every right to be atheist. But that doesn't place you at some sort of plane above the religious people. And if you think so, you're absolutely no better than the people you were claiming to avoid. Being an elitist prick and treating other people as beneath you based solely on their beliefs sucks, no matter where you are. And, no, don't give me that crap about "but they base it on blind faith, and I'm basing it on science!" First an foremost, the concept of the Holy Ghost is pretty much unable to be disproven. So denying its existence is also based on faith, but a sort of anti-faith. And treating people as inferiors and mocking their beliefs, no matter what the context, is rude. And, in this case, absolutely pointless. Atheism is a belief. You have a right to it. But that's the thing. By doing this crap, you're sinking down to their level, and then sinking even lower by pretending that you're smarter than them. You didn't like it when they did it to you, so why the hell do you expect them to like it when you do it to them? So, what, you avoid Christianity only to happily oblige to somebody else's intolerance? What kind of hypocritical shit is that? You're not above the, so stop fuckng acting like it.

-This has been a message from NRP, an irritated agnostic.

There is, in fact, a God

Have you ever had one of those days where you have a giganting, bulging ball of stress or anger at the base of your neck? I know I have.

And what do I do when I have my throbbing stress ball?

I play a computer game.

But not just any computer game. Oh, no. I play a computer game where you torture things for the sake of torturing them.

Such as this one.

Oh, boy. There is absolutely nothing better than to kill things without killing anybody. And, if you wish, you can imagine all those little stick figures are your asshole teachers or parents or bosses or comrades or coworkers or what have you.

God/Allah/YHWH/Shiva/FSM was working through the fine people who designed these games. Screw the Bible, this kind of thing is truly divinely inspired. For no matter what Scripture you turn to, it will always say that God is Loving.

And what better act of love than to work through man to help relieve the stress of all mankind?

And if this wasn't divinely inspired, then these people are simply the greatest people ever, so they should be worshipped. Or, no, what's it called, how Catholics view Mary and the Saints? Venerated. They should be venerated.

So I guess the moral of the story is that even if there isn't a God, there are some pretty awesome people out there.

Rant about homophobia

So apparently this asshole thinks he can convert just about anyone against homosexuality by citing sources from the Bible. His religious views are "proven" in his tracts by having some fundie cite passages from the Bible, which immediately gets everyone on their knees worshipping Jesus. The problem with that is that in order for the whole "citing Bible passages as means of conversion" thing to work, the people being converted would already have to believe in Biblical inerrancy. Which, therefore, would render the conversion sort of redundant. Oh, and in a few of them (mostly the evolution and "Catholic conspiracy that runs everything not Fundamentalist Christian" ones), he cites some extremely unreliable sources. Many of his tracts will feature someone saying something like this: "ALL MURDERS THAT HAVE EVER TAKEN PLACE ARE A CATHOLIC CONSPIRACY, BECAUSE THE CATHOLICS WANT POWER OVER YOU!"* *For more information, read Judas McFundie's book "Catholics are Sodomizing, De Facto Devil Worshipping, Baby Raping Heretics", an absolutely impartial collection of unbiased facts, available from Chick Publications."

This particular tract was dissected (and excellently, I might add) here, but I still want to rant about it. Or, rather, what it stands for.

Because this is the kind of shit I've seriously had it up to here with. I know a few people who don't believe in gay marriage, and, while I don't agree with them, I can generally tolerate that.

This fundie bullshit that activates intolerance and bigotry, however, simply will not do.

Just because your Holy Book says that buttfucking is a sin doesn't mean you get to go around treating people different than you like shit. I believe that Surah 109 wins this argument. (And, yes, I do realize that it's the Qu'ran and not the Bible, but it's still an awesome passage).

Seriously, Jesus' most important message was to love thy neighbor. Did Jesus necessarily agree with every single belief that the people who came to Him for help had? Probably not. That didn't stop Him from healing them, did it? And what about the story of the Good Samaritan? Weren't the Samaritans considered beneath everybody else, too? Or did I miss a story of Jesus's?

"Yea, and My Follower did stop at the sight of a man bleeding on the ground. And yea did My follower stop to helpeth him up, but then the stanger did sayeth, 'I thanketh thee, for thou art kind. Homophobes did beateth me up, for I know men as most men know women.' And My follower did calleth the man on the ground a biter of pillows and a packer of fudge, and then My follower did spend the duration of his Earthly life protesting the man's existence, preventething him from gaining employment, and shunning him in My name, as he should, for the man had been a fag."John 3:11

As far as I know, Jesus didn't teach anything of the sort. So what the hell is with all these goddamn people going around calling people "faggots", protesting their employment at Wal-Mart, sending them to anti-gay camp, and kicking them out of their house for being gay? Well, apparently if your holy book says it about three times in various ways open to interpretation, you're allowed to violate all concepts of morality in order to uphold it, right? It's absolutely okay to violate somebody else's rights if you think something they're doing that doesn't harm anybody else is wrong, because we all know that it's your will is superior to their will because you're Christian and they're amoral queers.

Fuck that. THEY'RE NOT HURTING YOU! As a matter of fact, they're not hurting anyone else, either. Yeah, you can disagree with them. Yeah, you can think it's immoral. I disagree with Republicans. Does that mean I'm going to kick my kid out of my house if he turns out to be a Republican? Does that mean I'm going to protest Republicans being hired at my local souless conglomerate? Does that mean I'm going to send my kid to be indoctrinated at "anti-Republican camp"? It sure as hell doesn't. I was under the impression that this was supposed to be a free country. But now we have Rob Reiner telling where we can and can't smoke. Now we have the FCC and RIAA and MPAA telling us what we can and can't say or show. Now we have all these goddamn "concerned mothers" trying to pull anything not G-rated from existence, telling us that we can't get a goddamn break from supressing our anger all day. Now we have fundies telling us what we can and can't stick in our vaginas/stick our cocks into and when we can and can't do it and how we can and can't do it in the privacy of our own homes.

And check out an example of this anti-gay crap:


Gee whiz, Mr. Chick, does that mean that I can say any derogatory word I want if I'm cute enough? Wow, why didn't I know about this earlier? All those years of being afraid of letting the C-word slip could have been forgone as long as I batted my eyelashes and made my voice high-pitched enough.

This kid later goes on to say "but my Dad says that it's wrong!" So apparently you get to mistreat other people as long as you do it in the name of righteousness. Screw that. If someone isn't harming anybody by what they're doing, you probably shouldn't be mistreating them. And, yes, there are a few exceptions, but they are far more likely to occur in a cliche action flick than in real life. And by calling people you don't even know a derogatory word, you are, in fact, mistreating them. And it's not righteous.

And, another thing. If your Holy Book says it, make sure it's in a valid part of your Holy Book. Leviticus is a religious text on crack. And don't give me that bullshit about Biblical Inerrancy. That's absolutely not possible. For example, it started with Adam and Eve, correct? And then they had Cain and Abel, correct?

Okay, so where the hell did the next generation come from? Cain killed Abel, and they were both male anyway. Is a woman just going to spring up from the ground whenever you need one, ripe for the fucking? The movie 40-year-old Virgin wouldn't have much of a premise, would it?

And another thing: "Converting" gay people is impossible. What you actually do is you make them repress it. It's been biologically proven. So don't think that just by "showing them the light of the Lord", you can make them

Look, you're within your rights to disagree with homosexuality. That doesn't mean you get to mistreat them. Because, think about it: what's worse, violating human rights or fucking a consenting person who happens to have the same sexual organs as you?


I'll end with this controversial quote:

Rant about my goddamn potential high schools

Alright, listen up, you elitist fuckwit schools:

YOU ARE NOT BETTER OR DIFFERENT FROM ALL THE OTHERS!

There, I said it. All your ideas to make your school "different" blow like a saxophone player. EVERYBODY ELSE had the idea for having 80-minute-long periods or whatever the fuck. Get over yourselves. And, no, your schools are not diverse. They are WASPtastic and affluent, just like everybody else's. No, having Jews and Asians doesn't make you diverse, I'm sorry to say. And I don't really care for "race quotas", but if you're going to be all lily-white, you should at least come to terms with that and not put your entire school in denial. No, I don't mean advertise as neon white, but just try to avoid the topic in your goddamn brochures.

US: Not showing grades until junior year is a horrible idea. It doesn't eliminate stress, it puts it off until later, and it makes it worse because when you're a junior you have no fucking clue what you were doing in 9th grade.

At LHS: A monkey could pass that test. Honestly. Stop thinking you're so elite, because you're really not. You look elite because you have about 8 times as many people as everybody else. And if you have 875 goddamn people per grade, you're by odds going to have a few alumni who win Nobel prizes or something.

At UHS: Yeah, yeah, you have better matriculation than everybody else. Fuck off, we really don't care. The people who attend your school are so snobby that I'd rather be in the company of stupider people than spend four years with you blowhards.

L-W: You stole techniques and curriculum from everybody else.

BHS: No one on the fucking PLANET wants to get out of school two hours later. Jesucristo.

And no one else besides me undertstands this rant. That's fine. I have to protect my identity and location and whatnot. For further explanation: Where I live, you either apply to your high schools or you attend one of those places that are frequently featured on the news or in statistics of the craptacular public school system.

And all these places try to advertise themselves as "ooh, look how fucking spectacular we are, we're different from everybody else (but not really), we're nonconformists (but not really), we're tolerant of people who aren't the same as us (but not really)".

Fuck that. If you're going to suck balls in a certain area, that is what is known as a "weak point". One extremely bad idea is to present that weak point as your strong point. You don't see men going out presenting their balls to everyone going, "I fucking dare you to punch them, sissy-ass, 'cause it won't hurt." No. What they ask you to punch is their abs after ten thousand sit-ups.