FUCK THIS COUNTRY.

Now, when I saw this face plastered all over the goddamn news a bunch of days ago, I was somehow not reminded at all of partial-birth abortions and the bans thereof.

I don't know, maybe it's just me. But for some reason a plasticky-looking adolescent doesn't strike me as the best way to convey that partial-birth abortions had been banned.

So, imagine my surprise when I learned that the news story within was not about partial-birth abortions, but rather about a floppy-haired kid who was voted off American Idol. I'm sure we all know him as Sanjaya Malakar.

And this is why the news media exists, alright: to inform. And who cares about shit that would affect, HOW many millions of people? We need to find out if Howard Stern's stunt worked!

Oh, valiant defenders of truth who are the news media, I can already hear the couples fighting over child support thanking you for keeping them informed on Sanjaya's latest ponyhawk. I KNOW all the pregnant teenagers will thank you for keeping them informed on American Idol. And the raped women? They're all going to send you flowers. And, most of all, I think the American people love you for letting them know what their own government is doing. Oh, wait a minute, you're not doing that, are you?

You know, I think that "freedom of the press" was not supposed to mean "freedom to tell everyone that Larry Dickhead is Dannielynn's father instead of that the White House 'accidentally' deleted five MILLION emails, all of which pertained to Karl Rove". I think it meant the "the freedom to tell the people what they need to know, what the people who are, um, controlling their lives are actually doing with that power".

But maybe that's just me.

Dr. Richard Land

First: Goddammit, I just fixed my other Chick tract dissection and now it's void, and now the images for this one don't work anymore. So I've officially announced my plans to stop trying.

So, anyway, I just saw Dr. Richard Land on the Colbert Report on Friday. I was very impressed. I may not agree with the guy on all his political views, but i agree with him on one thing: You may have a different ideology or view than someone else, but that doesn't mean you should be an asshole about it.

I couldn't agree more.

So long...

Rest in peace, Mr. Vonnegut. We'll miss you.

Another Chick Tract Dissection

Unlike the first tract I dissected, which was just stupid, this one is actually offensive.



Flight 144? Now, that sounds like one of those movies where there's a PARTY ON THE PLANE, BABY, YEAH!

It sounds so very fun.



A quick show of hands--who else thinks that lady's next line could plausibly be "dear me, I do believe I'm getting the vapors!"



Left Panel: Everything is under control. Right. They're both looking at the wing of the airplane that is ON FIRE, and one of the women says it's "under control".

Right Panel: I guess it's not under control, then, huh? I mean, one engine is dead and the other one's on fire.

What are the odds of that? That one engine would die at the SAME TIME that the other one catches fire?

That pilot is totally high. I think he's hallucinating the engine failure.

By the way, I'm imagining him saying, "This is Flight 144"in the same voice that Stephen Colbert uses to say, "This is the Colbert Report".



Alright, I have a hard time believing that this is any kind of a third-world country if the majority of the people who live there are wearing aloha shirts. I'm just saying.



It's hard to make fun of the left panel, because it's all so very sweet. This all, according to Chick, is supposed to be evil, but I can't help feeling a little happy that, you know, people that missionaries helped to avoid starvation are wishing the missionaries well.

But pay attention to how Mr. Davidson is referred to as "reverend".

Dig those two people in the row in front of them. That one woman looks really nervous, and the other one is evidently blind and eating an orange with the peel sicking out of her mouth like we all did when we were kids.



Hold up. That's supposed to be AFRICA?

None of the people who live there look remotely African.

It's also hard to make fun of this one, because building hospitals and schools is a GOOD thing.



Wait just a damn minute. This chalk-white guy is apparently an African, and he was in an African jail which is where he got saved. Yeah, right. A special note to Jack Chick: Most of the people in Africa are either Sunni Muslim, Catholic, or they have indigenous beliefs. There are quite a few Ethiopian Jews, however.

The odds of this guy being "Saved" here are highly remote.



Yeah, I'm sure you led that guy to the Lord. I'm sure. The guy was a criminal. Not only that, he was most likely desperately poor, and had plenty of reasons to believe that either God didn't exist or God did exist but God is an unbelievable asshole. This guy, who's been a Christian for about a week, managed to convert his cellmate to the Lord.

I would just like to point out that Mrs. Davidson's expression is trippy.



And here it is, folks, the ALLEGED BAD THING THAT COMES WITH MISSIONARY WORK. BEWARE THE BAD THING.

This kid is trying to say "Oh, yeah, helping thousands of people lead better lives and have longer life spans, sure fine whatever. It doesn't matter, it means NOTHING!"

How fucking impertinent. Didn't he learn to respect his elders?



Now, is it just me, or does that kid that's supposed to be the "good" one sound like he'd be a horrible person to hang around with?

It's like that South Park episode with Starvin Marvin and Sally Struthers. "Please give us food!" "NOT UNTIL YOU ACCEPT JESUS AS THE LORD!"

Now, to me, the Davidsons sound like REAL Christians as Jesus intended them to be, and then this kid sounds like some psycho.



The ONLY works that matter is Jesus dying on the cross? So apparently it doesn't even matter if you let people not starve? How fucking horrible is that?

What the hell is with that gospel quote at the bottom, anyway? What does it have to do with ANYTHING?



That is the biggest fucking fish I have ever seen in my entire life.

This is a really awesome panel, too. *CRASH* *BOOM* *EVERYONE DIES*.



Your beautiful MANSION in heaven? And heaven is guarded by gates?

HEAVEN IS A CUL-DE-SAC! Tee hee. Sac. Tee hee.

What if you don't want a mansion in heaven? Wouldn't it be more heavenly to some if one were simply able to sleep on a hammock on a beach somewhere, or in an apartment with a beautiful view of a city skyline? I met some people who worked for Yosemite National Park who could have probably gone on to live in a mansion but chose not to.

I guess heaven is really more like the capitalist American dream, and if you want to go against this, not only are you weird, but you're also BLASPHEMOUS.



And here we have him again, folks, Jack Chick's Asshole God (TM).

LOL GOD YOU'VE MADE A MISTAKE! I mean, not like it ever happened before. I like your work with not smiting Hitler. And Pompeii. And AIDS--can't forget that. Although according to Jack Chick, AIDS is only a mistake when a straight person gets it by accident.

Jack Chick is trying to paint good people as arrogant, bad Christians, and I don't like it.



Wait, I don't like how that passage is being interpreted. Couldn't it just as easily mean that someone just went out and helped an old lady cross the street to get some God Cred, and God said "No Sale"? Couldn't it also mean that they themselves were good people but Satan-worshippers?

And couldn't it also mean THIS TRACT MAKES NO GODDAMN SENSE BECAUSE MR. DAVIDSON WAS A REVEREND!



That is one tripped-out waterfall, I must say.

Yes, the good works BLOODY WELL SHOULD count for something, goddammit.



You did ALL the work necessary? While there are still people out there starving, blind, disabled, AIDS-ridden, oppressed, whatever? Helping these people out is ABSOLUTELY UNNECESSARY AND WILL SEND YOU TO HELL!

No, Jack. If that's what God thinks, He is not loving. And you should not be spreading this horrible message. God has a place for people who run around telling others not to care about others and only themselves. HINT: It ain't heaven.



I don't get it. They were Christians. Why are they going to hell, if those passages don't apply to them!



I want to know what that cloud is supposed to be. Seriously.



Now, wait just a damned minute. The sin problem was taken care of once and for all... so there would be no need for Jesus to come into your heart, then?

It was apparently not fixed once and for all. God needs better marketing than Jack Chick.



Dammit, Jack, that's not Jesus. That's GOD THE FATHER.

Here's how it works. The Father is God. Jesus is God. The Holy Ghost is God. BUT The Father is not Jesus, Jesus is not the Holy Ghost, and the Holy Ghost is not the father.

Think of it like water:

Liquid water is H2O. Ice is H2O. Water vapor is H2O. BUT Liquid water is not ice, ice is not water vapor, and water vapor is not liquid water.

Given how loving and understanding Jack the Tripper's God evidently is, I'm sure that mistaking one member of the trinity is some sort of sin that will earn you ETERNAL HELLFIRE. Because God is love.

Oh, and those people WERE Christian. This track makes no sense.



Yeah, but before you died on the cross, didn't you say to help those in need?

I don't like how Jack Chick focuses on how Jesus got killed instead of what He taught. Focusing on how Jesus got killed leads to genocide, usually. Besides, Jesus' DYING is not the point of Christianity. Jesus' teaching is.



Hell is made of spaghetti?

That is the crappiest excuse for a flame I have ever fucking seen. It looks like a dog ate part of the tract.

The angel on the right is panhandling. In Hell.



Blah, blah, blah.

Chain letters

Goddammit, anyone who actually believes that a fucking email could have any control over how their romantic life is or whether or not werewolves will leap out of the screen and kill them in their sleep is an unbelievable dumbass and needs to lay off the booze.

Think about it: just because some asshole types something doesn't mean it's going to happen. No, Jesus did not start that chain letter. I'm sorry to say. Fuck you idiots who believe this shit.

DICK CHENEY IS WATCHING YOU!

He sees you when you're sleeping; he knows when you're awake....

That's very creepy, I must say.

The Most Hated Family in America

Hey, kids, guess what time it is?

It's No Rant Necessary time!

Part One
Part Two
Part Three
Part Four
Part Five
Part Six
Part Seven

Actually, I take it back, a rant is necessary. Well, it doesn't have the fire and brimstone of a rant, it's more of a comment.

The children are not to blame. Look at one of the earlier ones (number three, I think). There's a conversation that goes like this (by the way, the eclipses mean that I don't remember what happened and my computer takes forEVER to reload):

REPORTER (to young Shirley): Do you know what the sign means?

YOUNG SHIRLEY: No.
...

REPORTER (To Old Shirley, [whom I will refer to as Shirley for future reference]): Your daughter doesn't know what the sign means.

SHIRLEY: Fags. Troops. Flags. ... Is that too complicated for you? Noah, what does your sign mean?

NOAH: It's this nation. It's a nation of fags and fag-enablers.

SHIRLEY: That's EXACTLY right.

NOAH: Oh! Fag soldiers! Fag soldiers!
...

SHIRLEY: What else can you be to damn yourself in the eyes of God if you're not a fag?

NOAH: Uh...Swedish? Soldiers?

SHIRLEY: But if you're not a practicing fag but you still support them, what are you?

NOAH: A dyke?

Now, I blame Gramps. I blame the older generations. I blame that asshole who once was a Libertarian but decided to switch and uproot his whole damn family. But I do not blame the children and the young adults. They were indoctrinated from the very start, and they never knew any better.

When that kid got hit by the drink... it was sad. It's not this kid's fault what happened to him.

But the older ones...I hold them responsible for twisting the Bible into their own thing to fit their need to hate people.

And, while they do have the right to do this (first amendment), it's still horrible.

Goddamn, this makes me want to cry.

Lewis Black is AWESOME

Now, I watch standup all the fucking time. Comedy Central's good for standup. And I like it a lot. But I usually don't ever feel like going "AMEN! TESTIFY!" When I do, it is an extraordinary experience and puts the comedian (who is able to do it ONCE) in the Golden Hall of Fucking Fame. And when people get close to making me have that moment, they're still in the Golden Hall of Fucking Fame.

Now, with Lewis Black: Black on Broadway, I got bombarded with those TESTIFY moments, one after the other. And it was AWESOME. It's sort of like dancing really hard and being insanely tired but keeping on going because the music and the party and the dancing and the ecstasy you just took are all that fucking awesome.

He gave me about fifty of those moments in an hour and a half. He has transcended the Golden Hall of Fucking Fame. There is not an element out there to capture how thoroughly awesome he is. I want to cry, that's how awesome he is.

Some of you may be saying "Now, NRP, you're just saying that because it was Secret Stash and it's 12:30 and you hardly had any dinner. You're not making any sense." No, I have things to back up my claim.

They don't know shit [about health]. Because each person's health is different. Each person has their own unique health. What's good for you will kill the person next to you. Because each person is like a snowflake.

He's absolutely right. There are vegan bodybuilders. My friend went vegan (and did so responsibly) and her nails came off. Different strokes for different folks.

And there are all these goddamn health reports. "Dark chocolate is good for you".

No, it fucking is not. Because it's chocolate. You don't eat chocolate because you want to improve your health. You eat lean white meat and spinach salads when you want to improve your health.

And eggs. My GOD. Are they good for you? In January they were. In February they were not. In March they were. And now they're not.

He's right. And that's not the only thing he said that was awesome.

"They have destroyed water."

Fuck bottled water. There are people in third world countries who drink anything if it's less thick than fucking maple syrup, and meanwhile "ooh, I don't want water unless it's slightly carbonated and quintuple-filtered and sold in an environment-killing plastic bottles."

That's enough on Lewis Black. And, no, nobody is paying me. I just was inspired tonight.