Tom Tancredo thinks Miami is Third World.

I shit you not. Tom Tancredo Thinks Miami is Third World.

Newsflash, Tancredo: Just because a city has a lot of Cubans in it doesn't make it third world. I know you're all anti-immigration, but immigrants=/= third world. Uh, neither does cocaine.

But my real beef with Tancredo is that his last name is so much better than mine. Say it with me: "Tancredo". It rolls off the tongue and yet it sounds so badass. I'm jealous.

I don't even know why I'm mentioning this, seeing as how nobody's going to vote for Tancredo anyway.

Speaking of conservatives, WTF is with Dennis Miller. "If I were younger I'd vote for Obama. But I'm a crotchety old man who's going to vote for Giuliani."

ATTENTION, DENNIS MILLER: PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES ARE NOT THE SAME AS A RISQUÉ TEE-SHIRT.

And he didn't even sound like he was saying, "If I had my younger self's political ideals..." No. Just that Obama is some sort of "hip" candidate (to be fair, Obama did put his own downloadable ringtones on his website. WUDAFUXUP with that?)

According to Wikipedia, the end-all be-all source of factual information, John Edwards also says that he's "not ready" to support gay marriage.

ATTENTION, EDWARDS: YOU ARE OVER FIFTY YEARS OLD. THERE IS ONE THING IN THE WORLD YOU ARE NOT READY FOR, AND THAT'S MEDICARE. IF YOU'RE NOT READY TO SUPPORT GAY MARRIAGE NOW, YOU NEVER WILL BE. AS A MATTER OF FACT, JUST ADMIT TO EVERYONE THAT YOU DO NOT SUPPORT GAY MARRIAGE.

Seriously. What on Earth could you possibly be waiting for? Is this like some sort of policy-abstinence thing? "I promised myself that I'd only lose my stance-virginity after my Sweet 55." What, oh, what, will get you ready? I assure you, unless you find some sort of Kissinger for the 21st century, you will not get any more exposure to homosexuality and supporting viewpoints thereof in the white house. WHAT WILL GET YOU READY?

The answer, of course, is nothing. Here's my theory: John Edwards doesn't support gay marriage and probably never will. It's just that the majority of the people who would vote for him do support gay marriage, so he's just going to act like he's on their side without technically having to legalize gay marriage. We have a word for that where I come from: LYING.

And while we're on the subject of liberal presidential candidates, let's leave Al Gore alone. If he doesn't want to run, then by God he won't have to. If I were him, I wouldn't want to go through the election hell again after what happened in 2000. And, as was said on the wonderful Daily Show, people are going on and on about how Al Gore must be running for President because he's losing weight.

EVERY SINGLE PERSON WHO'S EVER TRIED TO LOSE WEIGHT LATER RAN FOR OFFICE LOLZ. You know that show The Biggest Loser? Yeah, they all ran for president afterwards. It was in the contract.

As a matter of fact, I recently lost some weight, and this is because I plan to run for president in the Whig party. I'm going to bring back such important issues as the gold standard (LOL RON PAUL), reducing emissions from horses and oxen, the ethics of slavery, giving women the right to leave a burning building without her husband's permission, prohibition, and closing America's border to Italy.

Damn. Random mini-rants over.