I am a hypocrite

This is a personal entry, rather than a political one. If that kind of thing bores you, skip it.

Anyway, I reread the entry I wrote about bombs and id, and I realized that I'm a hypocrite.

You see, this is how I make friends:

I meet someone who takes a shine to me. We get close, and they eventually start to like me, usually because they think I'm smart or funny. For a while, it goes great.

Then, after a few months, they see my true colors. And my true colors aren't pretty colors like "burnt orange" or "sea mist blue". No, my true colors would be along the lines of puke green and LA air gray. Let me explain.

After a few months of repeated contact with a new friend, I will usually end up abusing them somehow. If it is at all possible, I will beat them up. If I don't meet up with them that frequently, I will abuse them emotionally. You see, I can figure out the workings of people's minds pretty quickly, and, after a few months of knowing someone, I will know what their weaknesses are. And after a few months, I will attack those weaknesses to the point where my friend is on the defensive and scared shitless of me.

But in no later than a week, I will inevitably be forgiven. Because they're scared of me. And it will keep happening every few weeks or so after that. Just like that.

I hate hurting things. I hate hurting anything of any kind. But when my rage takes over, I become this fucking sociopath. And I hate the fact that the only reason anyone who really knows me tolerates me is because they're scared. I don't want to sentence these people to a fear of me. I know what it's like when you fear someone too much to let them out of your life, and I know it's not pretty. I don't want to give anyone that, but I can't stop. It just spirals out of control. And I try to stop myself, but it's like I have an evil personality that takes over and I willingly hurt so many people and I want it to stop. I don't want to harm them anymore.