Step Up 2 The Streets
I hate this movie because it is "The Streets". I don't know how they managed to do it, but they have managed to capture every youth cliche from the 21st century in two simple words. I already know what this movie will entail. It will entail all the glossiness of 1980's MTV music videos, especially during the dance scenes. It will entail all the false-hiphop bullshit permeating movies these days. It will entail one obligatory scene about race relations, or, if the protagonist is white (I can't tell), it will entail an obligatory scene about some rich bitch being all snobby to her. It will have someone, probably a parent figure of some sort, trying to stifle her cool hip-hop awesomeness. It will entail her getting doubtful about her own talents, and then someone will say something stupid, like, "girl", for her being referred to as "girl" is absolutely mandatory in a movie such as this, "you got some real skills. Now get out there and bring it"! Or something. It will entail a lot of PG-13 midriff-baring sex appeal. And it will entail a joke-cracking not-as-cute best friend. And a near-silent male love interest. And one life-affirming dance scene at the end. And cardboard cutout snobby villains. And---you know what? This will probably be watched by a lot of people. Everyone my age will love it, love it, love it. Fuck this psuedo-hip "the streets" bullshit. The only people watching this movie will be suburban white kids. Again.
Meet the Spartans
Why? Why do they insist on torturing us like this? Wouldn't it be a lot less expensive and easier on all of us to just go, "Hey, remember 300? Remember Britney shaving her head? Remember Shrek The Third? Cool." That's essentially all this is. The people who direct Epic Movie and Date Movie and Scary Movie and whatever the fuck other Movie need to get a dictionary and look up the word "funny". I looked it up on Merriam-Webster. For some reason, it does not say anything whatsoever about "stating somethingin pop culture and going no further than that".
I saw the trailer for this stupid movie. Very shortly after the trailer aired, the cries of children were to be heard all throughout the land. The sky turned red, the color of blood. The sound of fingernails striking a blackboard was heard on every corner of the Earth. A riot broke out in the street. There was fire everywhere. And the four horsemen of the apocalypse were galloping across the sky.
You know what this trailer actually had in it? It had, I kid you not, a bit "mocking" (re: flawlessly imitating) Stomp the Yard.
WHAT IS THIS MADNESS? Raise your hand if you saw Stomp the Yard. Raise your hand if you cared about Stomp the Yard. Raise your hand if you remembered anything at all about it. Oh, no one? What a surprise.
Even if you did see Stomp the Yard and you do care about it, will you really be amused by a "parody" where it's basically exactly the same as the original except someone's foot gets stepped on?
The voiceover for the trailer of this movie included, "No movie is safe". Shortly after Don LaFontaine was forced to utter this, he comitted hara-kiri to preserve his family's honor. Seriously? "No movie is safe"? Are they even trying? (Answer: of course not.) They don't even try to hide their technique of referencing as many movies as possible for no reason whatsoever. They don't care. All they want is more thousand-dollar bills to wipe themselves with.
National Treasure 2: Book of Secrets
This movie makes no sense whatsoever. First of all, why on Earth would anybody care if their ancestor helped assassinate Lincoln? At most I'd be a little ashamed. I certainly would not try to kidnap anyone, much less the President, just to clear some guy's name.
Second, and most important, how on Earth would this book even come about? Like, let's take the JFK assassination, since that's the most obvious example. So, this book is written "by Presidents, for Presidents". Obviously JFK would probably know very little about his own assassination. So the person most likely to have written that particular entry is LBJ. Now, assuming he wasn't involved with the assassination, there is absolutely no way for him to know what the hell happened there. And no one who was involved has any incentive to tell him. Even if LBJ was involved, why on Earth should he be honest about it to this book? Yes, honor, but if he was involved in the assassination of the POTUS, he has no honor. And you know who seemed likely to be President in the sixties? RFK. If RFK knew that LBJ was involved with any of that, I'd say he'd be a mite peeved. So why should anybody tell the truth to the book, again?
And why would they even conceive the idea? Why would they keep all their secrets in one place? Haven't any of these people heard the term "don't put all your eggs in one basket" in the Ivy League schools they went to?
And the worst part of this all is that this is like The Da Vinci Code for idiots. And the Da Vinci Code is already for idiots. They didn't need to take it any further. One Da Vinci Code is too many already.
In conclusion, I'm judgmenal.
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