Movies I haven't seen and why I already hate them

Stupid, yes. Presumptuous, yes. But I'm having fun.

Step Up 2 The Streets



I hate this movie because it is "The Streets". I don't know how they managed to do it, but they have managed to capture every youth cliche from the 21st century in two simple words. I already know what this movie will entail. It will entail all the glossiness of 1980's MTV music videos, especially during the dance scenes. It will entail all the false-hiphop bullshit permeating movies these days. It will entail one obligatory scene about race relations, or, if the protagonist is white (I can't tell), it will entail an obligatory scene about some rich bitch being all snobby to her. It will have someone, probably a parent figure of some sort, trying to stifle her cool hip-hop awesomeness. It will entail her getting doubtful about her own talents, and then someone will say something stupid, like, "girl", for her being referred to as "girl" is absolutely mandatory in a movie such as this, "you got some real skills. Now get out there and bring it"! Or something. It will entail a lot of PG-13 midriff-baring sex appeal. And it will entail a joke-cracking not-as-cute best friend. And a near-silent male love interest. And one life-affirming dance scene at the end. And cardboard cutout snobby villains. And---you know what? This will probably be watched by a lot of people. Everyone my age will love it, love it, love it. Fuck this psuedo-hip "the streets" bullshit. The only people watching this movie will be suburban white kids. Again.

Meet the Spartans



Why? Why do they insist on torturing us like this? Wouldn't it be a lot less expensive and easier on all of us to just go, "Hey, remember 300? Remember Britney shaving her head? Remember Shrek The Third? Cool." That's essentially all this is. The people who direct Epic Movie and Date Movie and Scary Movie and whatever the fuck other Movie need to get a dictionary and look up the word "funny". I looked it up on Merriam-Webster. For some reason, it does not say anything whatsoever about "stating somethingin pop culture and going no further than that".

I saw the trailer for this stupid movie. Very shortly after the trailer aired, the cries of children were to be heard all throughout the land. The sky turned red, the color of blood. The sound of fingernails striking a blackboard was heard on every corner of the Earth. A riot broke out in the street. There was fire everywhere. And the four horsemen of the apocalypse were galloping across the sky.

You know what this trailer actually had in it? It had, I kid you not, a bit "mocking" (re: flawlessly imitating) Stomp the Yard.

WHAT IS THIS MADNESS? Raise your hand if you saw Stomp the Yard. Raise your hand if you cared about Stomp the Yard. Raise your hand if you remembered anything at all about it. Oh, no one? What a surprise.

Even if you did see Stomp the Yard and you do care about it, will you really be amused by a "parody" where it's basically exactly the same as the original except someone's foot gets stepped on?

The voiceover for the trailer of this movie included, "No movie is safe". Shortly after Don LaFontaine was forced to utter this, he comitted hara-kiri to preserve his family's honor. Seriously? "No movie is safe"? Are they even trying? (Answer: of course not.) They don't even try to hide their technique of referencing as many movies as possible for no reason whatsoever. They don't care. All they want is more thousand-dollar bills to wipe themselves with.


National Treasure 2: Book of Secrets



This movie makes no sense whatsoever. First of all, why on Earth would anybody care if their ancestor helped assassinate Lincoln? At most I'd be a little ashamed. I certainly would not try to kidnap anyone, much less the President, just to clear some guy's name.

Second, and most important, how on Earth would this book even come about? Like, let's take the JFK assassination, since that's the most obvious example. So, this book is written "by Presidents, for Presidents". Obviously JFK would probably know very little about his own assassination. So the person most likely to have written that particular entry is LBJ. Now, assuming he wasn't involved with the assassination, there is absolutely no way for him to know what the hell happened there. And no one who was involved has any incentive to tell him. Even if LBJ was involved, why on Earth should he be honest about it to this book? Yes, honor, but if he was involved in the assassination of the POTUS, he has no honor. And you know who seemed likely to be President in the sixties? RFK. If RFK knew that LBJ was involved with any of that, I'd say he'd be a mite peeved. So why should anybody tell the truth to the book, again?

And why would they even conceive the idea? Why would they keep all their secrets in one place? Haven't any of these people heard the term "don't put all your eggs in one basket" in the Ivy League schools they went to?

And the worst part of this all is that this is like The Da Vinci Code for idiots. And the Da Vinci Code is already for idiots. They didn't need to take it any further. One Da Vinci Code is too many already.


In conclusion, I'm judgmenal.

The draft

http://www.cnn.com/2007/POLITICS/08/10/war.adviser.draft.ap/index.html

Does it seem selfish when I say that the fact that many of my friends/I would likely be drafted is a very distressing thought?

Because, honestly, I am motherfucking terrified. I'm angry and I'm terrified and holy shit if any of this comes into fruition I think I might kill myself.

A lot of people are saying it probably wouldn't happen, but since around 2005 or so I've been getting this horrible feeling that the draft is inevitable.

BAN CAKE

I have a proposition for you:

We legally limit cake. All forms of cake. Cakes sold in stores, cupcakes, cake mixes, fruitcakes at Christmastime, whatever.

Think about it: does cake serve any healthful purpose? No. It's not nutritional, and if you have too much of it you could get obese and die. Also, when you buy a cake from the store, you don't even know what's IN that shit.

We will make it so that cake is taxed heavily. First we'll have cake and non-cake sections of restaurants, and then we will ban cake from restaurants altogether. We shall also ban cakes from bars, because God forbid a den of iniquity should have some unwholesome activities going on. We'll ban cake in parks and in public and...outside generally.

Then, beyond the legal realm, we will also use media to push the Evils of Cake. We'll have a bunch of assholes who are too self-righteous for Jackass performing stunts of a different nature: public stunts showing exactly how sick a cake can make you, all the disgusting stuff in store-bought cakes, and how many people die each day from cake-induced obesity. Then, we will pick on the cake industry non-stop. It's full of assholes only interested in money. It advertises to children. It advertises at all. It doesn't warn people sufficiently.

We'll have cake-ed in schools, where people talk about being pressured to eat cake and how Cakes Are Not Cool.

Why not do all this? Because cakes make people happy? Pish-posh. Because this is supposedly a free land? Well, sure. You're free to not eat cake. Because people realize that cake is unhealthy already and they don't need the government and media to force them to pretend to care? What nonsense is this?

Stop picking on the cigarette industry. People know that cigarettes are harmful. People who eat cakes and people who eat cigarettes both realize that what they're doing is not beneficial at all, thanks. They just don't care.

Carlos Mencia

Here's an idea: let's leave him alone.

No, seriously. There are all these people with no lives who go on about how bad Carlos Mencia is and how "anyone who likes him is retarded" (I've heard people say this).

He makes a lot of race jokes, which he wouldn't be able to get away with if he were white. OH, NO! SOMEONE LIKES TO MAKE JOKES ON A CERTAIN TOPIC? STOP THE FUCKIN' PRESSES! HOW DARE HE LIKE TO MAKE RACE JOKES!

You know, Lewis Black's angry style of comedy probably wouldn't work if he were a young man, because I imagine people would feel, "what does HE have to complain about, he hasn't seen any life yet?" But Lewis Black is a 58-year-old man, and as such, he has the ability to make his comedy in an angry style. Just because he's taking advantage of his position doesn't make him any less of a God. And Carlos Mencia is taking advantage of his position. I don't think he's exacerbating the whole "white people can't say anything" thing.

And, you know, he may make a lot of race jokes, but if they're funny race jokes then who gives a shit. We don't have to analyze everything. Sometimes people just like to have a little fun.

Also, apparently, people are all upset because "CARLOS MENCIA ISN'T HIS REAL NAME?" OMGWTFSTAGENAMENOWAI! No one's going to take you seriously if your name is Ned.

And as for the stealing thing, he does not, contrary to popular belief, steal every bit of his material from somebody else. And I don't even care what Joe Rogan has to say. If you host Fear Factor, nothing that comes out of your mouth is valid.

Greetings from New Zealand!

It's neat here. I'm in Auckland, which is sort of lik a rainier, quainter Los Angeles. The All Blacks do this thing called the haka before the game, and it's awesome.

Being in a different country makes me realize how much my own country's government terrifies me. I was terrified at the airport. I'm terrified to come back.

The people I'm staying with say that the American government isn't as smart as I give them credit for, but when you hear stories like that one about the man from eastern Europe on holiday who ended up in gitmo, it's hard not to be scared.

People in New Zealand aren't as paranoid as in America. But I guess that's to be expected.